Handling conflict
Did you know that conflict can be positive or negative, constructive or destructive? Lots of us try to avoid conflicts but yes, you heard right, our arguments and disagreements can opens doorways to opportunities, changes and growth.
So what is conflict?
Conflict seems to happen all the time. Conflict can be over small things like which TV show to watch or larger things like wars over international borders. These situations involve disagreements and that is basically what conflict is – a disagreement between people over differing points of views, needs or issues.
The conflicts you have may not be as serious as war, but if you have ever had to do something you didn't want to, argued with your mates, or worn the wrong clothes according to your parents, then you have experienced conflict.
Why is there conflict?
We all will run into people who think and feel differently than we do, who see things in their own way and don't always get what we're on about. This is part of being individual and unique. This is not a bad thing. If we accept that we are not all the same and that we may disagree with others then we can expect conflict and learn to deal with it in the best way possible.
How do you deal with conflict?
Conflict happens. It's worth watching out for clues like tension, misunderstandings, unwanted or uncomfortable incidents and negative changes to your relationships. These clues aren't just spoken, they can be actions that alert you to conflict. People react to conflict differently.
Some typical responses to conflict are:
- Ignoring, not facing it or running away from it,
- Stewing about the conflict and keeping feelings like anger inside,
- Seeing conflict as a competition that you have to either win or lose,
- Giving up what you wanted in the beginning or changing your point of view just to make peace.
Most of these solutions are short term and can make the conflict bigger and harder to deal with in the end. After some conflict situations, you can end up feeling helpless, confused, stressed, tense or resentful and your relationship with others can be damaged or seem hard to repair.
When conflict is handled well, it can have a positive effect on your mental health where you feel relieved, satisfied, confident, understood or appreciated and your relationships with others may become stronger or more respectful.
Conflict is a part of life but what can do we do about it?
So here are some ideas and ways to help you deal with conflict and resolve arguments.
Be calm and in control
- Conflict can be tricky to deal with especially when emotions are running high. Stay cool and in control, be as calm as possible. When people are loud and angry no one communicates effectively. Try to take time out to cool down before talking more. Nothing will be resolved with name-calling and abuse.
What is the conflict about?
- Before trying to fast forward to a solution, take time to work out what the conflict is really all about and to become aware of the other person's views. Be prepared to listen to them but make sure you maintain your own needs and opinions. Remember everyone deserves to be heard and understood.
Concentrate on being fair
- Try not to threaten or blame. Work on solving the actual problem rather than attacking and bringing the other person down. If someone is trying to bring you down or deliberately hurting you, tell them it has to stop before anything is resolved.
What are the options?
- Understanding what the conflict is about will help in finding the solution. Look for as many solutions to disagreements and issues as you can. Sometimes it's not that simple. It might take time and you may have to keep trying to work on finding the best solutions. Also, it is possible to agree to disagree.
Show that you want to work things out
- Be prepared to apologise for things you may have done wrong or unfair words said in the heat of the moment. You may have to negotiate an agreement. This may involve a little give and take. Make sure you follow your word and stick to any agreements.
You don't have to go through conflict alone
- A third party may help you see a different perspective or act as an umpire in a conflict. Go to someone you trust like family, friends, counsellor, teachers or even the police (maybe someone is being violent and hostile) for support. You might try watching and learning how others deal with conflict and take notice of what worked or made the conflict worse.
When things don't work out
- Sometimes you can't resolve every conflict the way you would like or get the results you want all the time. It may be that there are strong views about issues that you and others are not prepared to comprise on or give up. After conflict, you might find that some relationships split up but if you have been fair and willing to work things out then you have tried your best. In the end you might look back at what you have learnt about yourself and others or get some support to deal with any issues as a result of conflict.
You have some choices when it comes to dealing with conflict
- Will you react in a negative, loud, impulsive way or will you respond in a positive way behaving thoughtfully so that you feel in control?
- Acknowledge the conflict situation for what it is. Not everything has to be right and perfect all the time. That does not mean you ignore conflict. You accept it and try to see what you can change about the situation.
- Learn from your mistakes and believe that you can gain something from every situation. Go into conflict with a fair and positive attitude. Ask yourself what you have learnt from the conflict – it might be about yourself, the other person or the situation.
Other information that can assist you in handling conflict
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