Helping out friends

Looking after them. Looking after yourself.

When a friend turns to you for help, it’s because they trust and respect you.  Sometimes being the person that everyone turns to can become a burden. When friends confide in you, naturally you want to do all you can to help them. But sometimes it’s hard to know what to say, how to help, or even if you should keep their secrets. After all, you are no trained counsellor.  If a friend turns to you with a serious problem, how do you handle it? How can you be a good friend while still looking after your own mental health?

Be there

One of the best ways to show you care is to give your time and attention.  Often friends don’t need anything more than someone who is willing to just be there for them.  “I’m here for you” and “you mean a lot to me”- these phrases can mean a lot to a friend in crisis.

Listen and offer support

When you are helping a friend out of care and concern, there are no rights or wrongs.   Be yourself and be prepared to listen and understand what is happening to your friend.

Be non-judgmental, patient, calm, and accepting. The last thing a friend in need wants is someone to freak out or put them down over their problem.  They may be reluctant about talking about their problem because they don’t want to upset anyone, but they need to know they’re doing the right thing by talking to someone.  You might feel shocked by your friend’s problem but try to keep calm, talk things out rationally, and let them know that it was a good thing to say something. 

If you feel like your efforts to help are failing or your friend isn’t accepting your support, don’t give up. Recognise that you might not understand what they’re going through but you are there to do what you can. The trick is to know when you need to back off and give your friend some space and when to take action.

Know how and when to go to others for help

A lot of issues can be sorted out with friends, but many can’t. If a friend has come to you with a serious issue – for example they feel suicidal or hurt themselves, they have been assaulted, harassed, they have seen or been involved with something criminal, they have developed an eating disorder, feel depressed, or express any serious distress- then this is beyond your realm of expertise. Other help is needed!

Encourage a friend to seek help themselves.  They may feel supported if you offer to go with them when they speak with a school counsellor, youth worker, health worker or parent. 

If you feel out of your depth

If you feel out of your depth, don’t try dealing with the situation alone, even if your friend swears you to secrecy.  Keeping secrets could be making the situation far worse and put you under a lot of stress.  A good friend will talk to someone else, and seek outside help, rather than shouldering the burden or letting things get worse. 

Trust

Think carefully about who you talk to – you don’t want your friend’s worries becoming the latest gossip.  Choose to talk to someone you trust and who is in a position to help. Depending on the problem this may mean you speak with a trusted adult or friend.

Remember that even if your friend is angry at you for telling, when you are acting out of concern for them, you can take comfort in their safety.

Suicide?

Always take any threat of suicide seriously. You may think it’s become a fad for teenagers to cut themselves or threaten suicide to gain attention, but this is not true and these actions should not be ignored.  So don’t be skeptical or dismissive. A cry for help can turn into something far more serious.

Look after yourself

If you’re the person everyone comes to for support it can be just as taxing on your mental health. It’s important that you talk and seek help from others as well.

Your friends and family are there to support *you* as well, and it should work both ways. If you feel like you aren’t being listened to or supported, speak up about it!  That isn’t fair.

We all have bad days, or weeks, or even months. We all feel overwhelmed at times and have our own problems to deal with. Remember that it is no good taking on being ‘the solid dependable rock’ when that rock is heading towards a breakdown!   It’s important to look after your mental health and physical health so you are in a better shape to support and help others. Also remember that life doesn’t always need to be so serious – so take time to have fun and have a laugh!

When to worry about a friend

Sometimes a friend doesn’t come to you for help, but they’re behaving in ways that make you worried about them.  Supporting friends can be challenging – are you worried because they have a different point of view to you, that they might be angry about things that don’t bother you?  Being a good friend doesn’t mean we have to be exact copies of each other so while its good to have friends who have lots of different views about things there are times when we do need to act.

So how do you know when to act?

Well there are some warning signs that you can look out for! Any one of these alone, lasting only a short time is normal, but if you know a friend with some of these signs lasting more than a couple of weeks, they may need some outside help.

Look out for:

• Constantly thinking or talking about the problem/s
• Acting and being very out of character. For example,  a quiet person becoming  loud and wild or an outgoing person becoming really quiet
• Unexpected outbursts of emotion
• Having problems with sleep - like sleeping too much or not getting enough sleep
• Changes to eating habits - maybe not eating at all, or eating and then throwing up
• Using drugs or alcohol
• Taking part in unsafe or daring situations like speeding around in cars and having unprotected sex
• Avoiding friends and social events that they would normally be part of
• Threats or talk of killing themselves
• Acting or talking like no one cares about them; nobody would notice if they went away, or the world would be a better place without them

Often you can sense when something is amiss. Sometimes when they don’t want to talk there isn’t a lot you can do to persuade them, but remind them that you’re there for them. When you’re worried about someone you might want to talk to other friends of theirs as well – but be careful that it doesn’t turn into gossip that gets spread around.

Your friend might feel more comfortable talking to someone they’re closer to, like if they have a best friend they spend all their time with, but express your concern to anyone you might think could help. This is an issue of safety - you cannot be expected to keep it to yourself.

In the end, it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for another person's actions when they are going through a hard time. The best thing you can be is the most caring, supportive and responsible friend possible and be willing to hang in there for the long haul and feel OK to get help when it’s needed.

For more ideas about helping out friends check out

Finding help

Problem solving

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