Loss and Grief

Grief is the normal process that we go through when something in our life changes or comes to an end

The death of a friend or relative can have a huge impact on your life especially when it is unexpected such as through a car accident or suicide. But you don't have to experience anything quite as intense as a death to go through feelings of grief and loss. Grief can result from many different situations such as a relationship break up, being dumped by a group of friends, failing an exam, losing a job, moving house or school, developing a health problem and even having your parents split up.

When you do lose something or someone you care about, no matter how big or small, you can experience many different feelings and reactions – which are all very common:

• Anything from feeling shocked, disbelief and sadness to tiredness, hopelessness, anger and guilt are all completely normal. Some people might even deny anything has happened and others just feel numb.
• For some people it can take ages for things to sink in and for others their reaction is immediate.
• There are physical reactions to grief as well. You might cry or experience changes in your appetite, sleeping patterns, memory and concentration. Some people might do things that they don't normally do like drink heaps of coffee or binge on alcohol and drugs.
• Socially things might change in your life. You may find yourself not wanting to do things which you normally enjoy, or be with people who you like.
• You find yourself looking for answers and questioning things in your life like your beliefs, morals and values. You might even wonder if something you have done or could have done would have made a difference or changed the situation.

As you can see there are lots of different reactions to loss. You might experience some of these, but not necessarily all. Everybody is different.

How a person reacts to loss and how long a person grieves really depends on all sorts of things, such as how important the loss or change is and the adjustments that need to be made in their life.

Getting through grief

There are no rules for how you should deal with loss and how you should grieve. It can be painful and no-one can tell you how you should feel. The important thing to remember is that it is a part of coping with situations and strong feelings and reactions should, in time, pass. If strong feelings and reactions don't pass and you feel stuck, then it may mean your mental health is under pressure and you might need some help.

So in the meantime:

• Try and keep some degree of routine in your life or try to get back to doing activities that you enjoy or normally do, like going to school, playing sports, listening to music and seeing your friends.
• Look after yourself by eating well, exercising and getting enough sleep. If you can't sleep or eat after a few weeks or if you are using alcohol or drugs to get by then this is a sign that you might need to talk to someone like your GP or school counsellor.
• Don't shut people like your friends and family out. Chances are they are just trying to help you, but don't know the best way to go about it. Tell people what you want from them. If you want to hang out with friends but don't want to talk about it, then say so, or if you want to talk about it then find a shoulder to cry on. Wanting some time-out or space of your own is okay but it's probably best not to spend too much time alone.
• Prepare yourself for any anniversaries or special occasions that might be coming up like Christmas and birthdays. These times can be quite difficult as people tend to reflect back on and think about those things in their lives that have changed, or people that they have lost. It is a good idea to try and celebrate the ‘good times and memories' and try to organise to be with people who care about and support you on these occasions.

Part of the grieving process is acceptance. This means starting to get over the pain and realising that your life does go on. This may take a while, and although you will never forget what or who it was that was important to you, it is important to remember that life is still going on around you. For some people this means learning new things and ways of coping, becoming stronger and in some situations feeling like things have changed for the better.

There is no set time limit to grieve, so when you're ready, you shouldn't feel guilty about moving on, enjoying things, feeling happy and having a laugh again.

If those around you seem worried about the way in which you are grieving, or you think that you are having a really hard time working through a loss, then you may need some outside help. Talking to or getting some counselling from someone who specialises in grief and loss may be helpful. Your doctor or school counsellor should be able to help you find these resources or try calling a helpline.

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