Independence Day

(Moving out and living independently)

I was reading the current issue of Girlfriend magazine when I stumbled across a bright pink article that was pretty hard to miss entitled "Lonely? You're not alone".

When it comes to reading these types of magazines, I am notorious for going straight to the "How Embarrassing" section and delighting in the misadventures of others. It is quite rare that I find an article which relates to myself, but after reading this article, I had to admit that there were a few good points.

Susan Nicholson, a psychologist in Sydney, spoke about loneliness, and one of the main points which caught my attention was this:

‘The teenage years are the most central years for friendships. Being a teenager is all about establishing an identity separate from your family, so your peers become your new family’.

To me, this statement made a lot of sense. After all, it is in the teenage years that we are supposed to be at our prime - making our own decisions (hopefully with the guidance, or if not, support of our parents) and governing our own destinies. Becoming independent is part of having positive mental health. While the path may be rocky, from it we learn a lot about ourselves and others. At some point it is only to be expected that our opinions will differ to those of our elders because time stops for no one, and disagreements between the generations will last for eternity. However, I think it is important to highlight that there is a difference between "establishing an identity separate from your family" voluntarily, and being gently nudged into "establishing an identity separate from your family" because they need to establish an identity separate from you. What happens when your main source of stability and support, be it physical, emotional or financial, disappears?

Being kind of forced into independence, yet not, is something that I know a lot about. Earlier this year, my father accepted a position that required my family to move interstate. Being at the ripe old age of eighteen, I figured that the world was in my hands, and due to unfinished business (namely year twelve), I made the decision to stay behind.

For someone who had spent much of my teenage life "establishing an identity separate from my family", I had been successful in doing so while maintaining a close relationship with them as well. What I hadn't bargained for was the realisation that things are much different when you are looking at them in the short term, and going it by yourself for the long haul!

Let me give you an example. At the end of year eleven, I was given the opportunity to go overseas for a month as a part of a student exchange program. While abroad, I was left to my own devices and in effect was able to define my own self. I was able to enjoy a new culture away from the daily hassles and everyone I knew, and was able to get a taste of independence. While there were times when I missed my family, I am positive that it was harder for them than it was for me. How else could I explain the fact that they had to turn my stereo on and play the music that I had constantly bombarded them with while at home in order to give them some comfort? While I found it quite amusing then, it goes to show that:

‘When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them. But when they are away, we console ourselves for their absence by dwelling on their vices’. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

I consider myself lucky that my family only moved interstate because at any given time, they are only a phone call away. However, I do not know how I would cope if the situation were to be different. I guess the main negative aspect of this issue for young people like me is learning that while we may now be independent, it is still okay to find someone who provides us with the support we may sometimes need.

Looking back at what life was like when I was living with my folks, I realise that there were a whole lot of little things that I took for granted, and now that I am on my own, they suddenly become big things. It often gets frustrating for my parents when I run into dilemmas because while I'm down here, they are over there and feel somewhat helpless. I have also found that financially, it is very hard starting out. There are so many hidden costs involved that I never knew were there, and unless you have a job or some other way of obtaining financial assistance, independence is going to be very hard.

Once you get yourself around these obstacles, there are many positive aspects associated with independence for young people. You get to explore what life is like in the real world and find where you fit into the bigger picture. You really learn a lot about yourself because instead of playing your part in a family, you can now focus on yourself and not be called selfish. You soon learn what you are capable of and what you need a little assistance with, and while this may be challenging at times, it is important to remember that only through hardships can we become stronger people.

Rather than looking at some strategies that will help those of you who are looking at transforming from a caterpillar into a butterfly, I would like to offer some advice based on what I have learnt thus far. The rites of passage are demanding on everyone, and with no relatives and no support, you can be put in a very difficult situation. You can make things run a lot smoother if you can create a network of people who can offer you support. If you have no other relatives near by, you may find comfort in family friends, your neighbours, your friends' parents, school teachers (strange concept, but they are there to offer you support), school counsellors or perhaps a particular group within the community. The sooner you get settled the better! If possible, I would also recommend that you stay in contact with your family and remember that it is a two-way deal. In my case, we are all learning as we go along, and like most learning experiences, we have to take the good with the bad. That is why I have come to the conclusion that until you have experienced the good, the bad and the ugly, you have not truly experienced independence.

Back to top