The ups and downs of families

What is a family?

A family can mean many different things to many people. A family can be huge with aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, step siblings, foster parents and children, mothers and fathers, cousins and grandparents – but basically, your family consists of people you feel a close bond with, a special connection. Usually they are people who have helped you learn and grow up in the world and can include friends and other supportive people. The people you consider to be part of your family should be people who not only love and care for you but also who you are able to relate to, love and care for in return. A family is like one big or small support network.

The upside…

Having a family that not only love and care for you but are also there when you need them can be one of the best things in the world. At times your brothers and sisters can be like best friends. Support, protection, guidance, help, reassurance, companionship, understanding and of course love are all things that everyone should be able to experience within a family at some time.

The downside for some…

If you think you are being treated badly or unfairly within a family you could feel rejected, isolated, angry and alone. If you live in a family environment where there is a lot of abuse, fights and chaos, you may feel hurt, responsible, angry, fearful and confused. These feelings are definitely not good for your mental health. So it's important to find a group of people who will support you and act as family.

Relationships in your family

We all can have different types of relationships with each person in our family. Sometimes we can get along well with everyone and at other times we can feel closer and more trusting with one or more people in our family. In a perfect world, we would each get along with everyone in our family all the time. Imagine it! There would never be arguments or fights and we would feel able to express ourselves freely and be totally accepted for who we are growing up to be. But unfortunately, that is just not realistic.

Let's face it, we're all different and conflict is a part of everyday life so you can only expect that conflict happens in families and this is where we learn and develop our own ways of handling conflict. These can be positive or negative.

There are some things you can do to try to handle these conflicts and problems that come up with your family.

Handling siblings wisely

• Try not to deliberately annoy them or increase their anger
• Give the situation time before confrontation, often people just need time to cool down and get over things
• Agree to disagree. Maybe negotiate to both forget anything even happened
• When you have overstepped the mark and you know it, apologise – after all would you treat a friend like that?!
• Understand that although they are your brother or sister, they are also their own person and we all different
• Be trustworthy, reliable and honest with them
• Respect their values and beliefs as well as their privacy. No one likes their space being invaded without their prior knowledge
• Respect their friendships outside and in the family
• Try to resolve conflicts without your parents help, but if you feel you really must, then do so
• Respect each other in general and know that these rules work both ways

Handling parents and carers wisely

Here are some strategies that can work when trying to ease fights and arguments with parents and carers:

• Trying to stay calm, mature and respectful during any negotiation will help them see that you are now growing up, becoming more mature and as such should be allowed more independence and responsibilities.
• When arguments become too heated try letting them cool down for a while before beginning negotiations again in a calm, mature and respectful manner.
• Remember that you can't always have everything you'd like – negotiation works both ways.
• Building trust with your parents and carers is the ultimate key to freedom.
• From being trustworthy, honest and reliable it will become a lot easier for them to say yes to your propositions.
• Always try to communicate with your parents and carers. Not only does it let them know when you might need their help, but it also builds closeness. Share your thoughts and feelings with them and listen to their advice. It's your choice whether you take it or not, but you'll have to accept the consequences that might come from not taking their advice.
• Understand that without mutual respect any relationship will be unhappy.
• Remember that yelling never helps, it only aggravates.
• Don't lie or hide things. It may seem like a perfect short-term solution but that is all it boils down to, a short-term solution. When your parents and carers catch on you will be right back to square one.
• Respect each other in general and know that these rules work both ways.

Something that experts say is that if you have supportive and caring family relationships then your mental health will definitely be better, as you have more protection against the bad things that can happen in your life.

For example, if you are failing at school, you wouldn't stress out about letting your parents or people who support you know as much as someone who did not have the benefit of such positive relationships.

When you feel you belong and are supported by a family, the ups and downs of life are easier to get through. Just remember that relationships between you and your family need attention and need to work for you.

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